“That’s the way I loved you…”

The Notebook - The Way I Loved You (by mreagan22)

Even though he’s a million miles away, for the first time in my life, I have hope that the hurt will eventually go away. When I look into his eyes, I don’t see where I’ve been; I see where I’m going…

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…to make her laugh for the first time…

…to hold her hand…

…to kiss her forehead…

…to kiss her for the first time…

…to tell her stupid jokes and watch her roll her eyes…

…for her to make me blush…

…to talk her ear off endlessly at a museum…

…to show her my photos…

…to take her hiking…

…to…

I met “The Angel” months and months ago on an online dating site. We messaged back and forth and eventually he closed his account. I never expected to hear from him again. One day, I checked my email and there was a note from him. I had just joined this silly meetup group for single parents and he found my name on the roster. We started texting and decided to meet up for coffee.

It was a Friday afternoon, work had been going well, life had been in full swing, things had been great. The Angel text me to finalize our plans and he told me he had a meeting to go to first. Out of curiosity, I asked what kind of meeting and he replied, “AA.” Now, I’d always wondered about AA and people had always told me I should check it out. I wondered how those 12 Steps brought the love of my life back to a life of normalcy and how I had been so conveniently forgotten during the 9th Step. I wondered how it all worked and I naturally wanted the human experience of going to an AA meeting. I casually mentioned that I’d never been to an AA meeting before. The Angel never asked if I had a drinking problem or anything, he simply invited me along. We made plans to meet at AA before coffee.

An AA meeting for a first date…nothing could top this…

We met at the meeting. He was attractive but I knew this was not the time nor place to be oogling at someone. I listened and I participated in the discussion and to my surprise, we stayed for another meeting. After that meeting, I bought a book and talked to some of the women. What I heard in The Room was little bits and pieces of myself. I heard the anguish and pain I’d been through as well as the way I’d risen like a Phoenix from the ashes. I found home.

The Angel and I went out for coffee and I’ll leave most of the conversation out of this blog because we talked a lot about personal things; broken marriages, friendships that couldn’t be mended, forgiveness…deep things…we had a deep spiritual connection. We left the diner and he walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye.

That night, I went home and I read 3 chapters in the Book. The next day, I went to 3 meetings on my own and I earned my Desire Chip and I am 52 Days Sober and going strong. The Angel brought so much to me that night; he brought me to a place where my self-esteem could be recovered, where I wouldn’t feel alone and where I mattered to everyone-including myself. He brought me peace and serenity. He brought me to God and although we are just friends for the time being, I will forever be thankful to him for bringing me the life I could only imagine before he was a part of mine.

It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from The Artist. He is still sweet and still caring and still wonderful and still…I don’t know. He’s TOO nice… UGH! I recently went to breakfast with him…and his ENTIRE family. No joke, there were like, 15 other people there; his parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles… It was very overwhelming. His family is lovely and wonderful and they knew all about me but I don’t know. There’s just something missing! The Artist is wonderful but I think he’s TOO wonderful. Does that make any sense? He literally asked to touch my breast (over my shirt) and I don’t know…he’s just so NICE. I have plans to hang out with him this week but honestly, I don’t know. Maybe nice isn’t what I want or need right now. I haven’t really decided. I guess we’ll give it a few more dates. Maybe I’m just being annoyingly standoffish…

Now there are also people who I’ve gone out with that I have yet to decide whether to afford them the chance to escape “The Friend Zone” or not. These are the To Be Decided’s… There are 3 of these as well; Sergeant, The Neighbor and Blue Eyes. Perhaps it was because our dates were too short or because I just don’t have a good feel for the relationship yet. For whatever reason, I just haven’t made my mind up on where to go with these 3 people.

SERGEANT-February 2012

Sergeant and I have known each other for quite some time. Sergeant is actually in a relationship, which complicates things but we do have a lot in common. Even when I was married, we spoke a lot about the things we had in common and even got to hang out a few times as friends. He was a really big support in the beginning of my divorce and offered his home to me and has never faltered in his friendship. We went out to dinner one night and while it wasn’t particularly romantic and I’m not particularly physically attracted to him, there is a certain draw I have to him. We have a lot in common and are never lacking in conversation and I guess I could see being with him but we have such a good, honest friendship now that I don’t know if I’m really willing to chance letting that change. He can make me laugh and knows how to make me feel better when I’m down and how to make me feel beautiful on my ugliest day but like I said, we are friends. Do we REALLY want to cross that line? Plus, he is in a relationship, like I mentioned before. I just don’t know. We are supposed to do dinner and a movie sometime soon but “sometime soon” for us is usually months apart. I guess we’ll see…

THE NEIGHBOR

The reason The Neighbor is in this category is because I only got to have lunch with him for an hour. I definitely felt a connection though and we have a lot in common. I’d love to spend more time with him but he seems very standoffish. I hope I get to hang out with him again soon; one lunch just wasn’t enough. He made me laugh and made me at ease and there is a certain empathy in him that really attracts me. Really, he is pretty wonderful from what I know but again, we haven’t talked much or anything so that’s why he’s in this category.  :(

BLUE EYES-February 18, 2012

I went out with Blue Eyes last night. He was fun and we had great conversation. There were a few things that bothered me about him though; his teeth for one (not that mine are perfect) and he has a certain lack of intelligence about him. I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk too much about him because he really is a nice guy and he is good looking and I did feel at ease with him but there’s just something that wasn’t quite there. I’ll give it another shot but I have a feeling that he too, will end up in the dreaded “Friend Zone.”

If I had to choose for one of these to move out of “The Friend Zone”, it would definitely be The Neighbor. I could almost see myself having a relationship with him, in all honesty. I think we could be really compatible together but I don’t know where he stands so I guess that’s why he’s in the TBD category, hopefully he’ll move soon though. Time will tell…

So I haven’t blogged in quite awhile. I’m not sure why. I guess I’ve been busy or I’ve been a harlot and going on way too many dates. I don’t know. I originally started this blog to keep track of all my dating adventures and trials and tribulations in the single world. Now I don’t even know how to piece everything all together. I haven’t blogged in over a month and of course, a lot has happened in a month. So I guess I could do the run-down of the people who didn’t really make it past “The Friend Zone” and go into more detailed blogs of the people who did and even more detailed blogs of the stuff in between. I guess we’ll start there and maybe next time, I won’t get so caught up in life that I let all these experiences pass me and you, the reader, by… So here, in short are the people who didn’t really make it past the first round, I guess. They are guys, who for whatever reason, ended up in “The Friend Zone” or I just ended up deleting their number… There are 3 people that ended up with this fate; Casino Jack, Teacher and Joplin.

CASINO JACK-January 2012

I went to lunch with Casino Jack on a sunny afternoon. We met downtown near my office and had great conversation. He was a nice guy and he seemed very interested in me. He is a Black Jack dealer at a local casino as well as a private pilot. I had visions of “The Bachelor” running through my head the entire date…a private plane ride would be so much fun! For some reason, I tend to attract a lot of pilots-I’m not sure why. I remember there was a pilot over 10 years ago, back in my single days that wanted to date me and I briefly dated another one before I met my ex. I don’t know…maybe I’ll end up with one. Anyhow, the date ended in a hug and a sweet goodbye. I’m not too picky when it comes to the physicality of someone but I am learning that I need a tall man-or at least someone taller than me and Casino Jack just isn’t it. My ex was shorter than me and I don’t know, I guess now it just bugs me and it’s something I’m totally against. Call me a bitch or whatever and yeah, I’m probably missing out on some great guys but at 5’7”, this girl needs a guy she can look up to. :) Anyway, I took another chance and went out with Casino Jack again a few weeks later. We went to breakfast after our graveyard shifts and went to his house. At his house, we ended up making out like two high schoolers. Normally, I’m all about the kissing but for some reason (maybe it was his height or his nationality or SOMETHING) I couldn’t get my ex out of my head. Every move he made reminded me of my ex, every way he kissed, every time he touched me. It literally made me sick. I booked it out of there as quick as I could and although Casino Jack is a great guy, he’s not the guy for me. My ex clearly wasn’t and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

TEACHER-January 2012

Teacher and I hit it off in every text and email we sent. We finally decided to meet for lunch by my office one day. LETDOWN. ANOTHER SHORT GUY!!! WTF??? While he was nice and all, I just wasn’t physically attracted to him. He walked me back to my office building and as we were crossing the street, I saw a crush of mine “Detective” (hopefully someday there will be an entry about him but for now, he’ll only be mentioned here) getting out of his car. Detective and I started bantering back and forth, totally ignoring Teacher. When we got to my office building, Detective held the door open for me and I gave Teacher an awkward hug and goodbye. As I entered the building, I told Detective, “First dates are SO awkward!” and he replied, “I know, I even felt awkward for you…” We continued to banter back and forth until I made it to my office and disappeared. I haven’t really spoken to Teacher since because in all honesty, he got really annoying and like I said, I hope that Detective will someday make it in this blog…

JOPLIN-February 18, 2012

Joplin gets the award for MOST BORING DATE EVER. I carried the entire conversation on my own. He was an average Mid-west boy. We went for coffee and then I felt like clawing my eyes out. I had promised some more time with him so reluctantly, we went to a bar and had a few non-alcoholic drinks. I was SO bored and literally was wishing I could just be with “WoW Boy” at that point (More on him later…) So yeah, not much to say about Joplin other than he was BORING and there was absolutely NO connection and he didn’t even make it to “The Friend Zone.”

Am I getting picky in my dating? I don’t know. Maybe. Am I bitch? I don’t think so. I think I’m just figuring out what fits and what doesn’t. I’m not going to invest a shit load of money into a hot pair of shoes that don’t fit and that I’ll never wear, why would I invest a shit load of time on a guy who isn’t a good fit? I guess that’s the best way to think of it anyway.